the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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