Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize
