Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
