She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
