i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
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I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
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i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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