I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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