It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
