Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
