We need to rekindle our bromance
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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