He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
