I cut my penus on the lid.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
