I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
