you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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