Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
