today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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