When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Randomize
