____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
