Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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