her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
