there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
