party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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