They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
