I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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