Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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