I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Randomize
