I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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