Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
