1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Randomize
