Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize