she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
