i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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