It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
