my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
