bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
