when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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