Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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