when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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