Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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