do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
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Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
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Never let your siblings swipe right.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize