So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
