Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
