Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
