i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
