its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Randomize
