3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
