Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
