Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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