We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
