If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
