I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
