I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
