dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
