Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
