We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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