I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
