I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
